Kurt

He's tall, but he hopes to achieve more in life than just that.

I Want To Know

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There has been much news lately about how the Transportation Security Authority’s new screening procedures are upsetting the traveling public and, to be honest, all of the whining is getting on my nerves. On the one hand, we demand our government guarantee us a safe, bomb-free air travel experience, yet we don’t want to utilize the advanced technology to help secure this guarantee because of our own fears and insecurities.

What are we afraid of? That some TSA screener is going to get to see us bare and blemished? Come on. Haven’t we all undergone a doctor’s examination? Haven’t we already had to overcome our pretensions and shyness to strip bare in his or her office to receive a truly hands-on, prodding and poking screening in attempt to guarantee our health security? At the airport all we have to worry about is having a remote image of ourselves being seen by an anonymous government employee who has the unenviable task of actually having to look closely at and examine our scanned image in all its glory. Have you taken a good look at us lately? I certainly wouldn’t want that job. So lets get over it. Lets get scanned. Lets get screened. And lets do it with as little delay and complaint as possible so we all can get through the line and to our destination as quickly and stress-free as possible.

Or is it not our insecurities of public nudity so much as it is our fear of the doses of radiation that the body scanner supposedly emits that forces us out of the body scanning line and into the alternate, hands-on, I-love-you-short-time screening line? Come on. Electromagnetic radiations are emanating at us from everywhere and we know it. We are basically being slow cooked regardless of where we are. Heck, we even carry around portable brain cookers in our pockets and purses–they are called mobile phones. What are the odds that getting an occasional body scan at the airport is going to cause us harm? What do we think is going to happen, that we’re going to get…cancer?

Well, maybe we will.

Maybe we won’t.

Who knows, right? I sure don’t. I have no idea how that airport body scan, or the x-ray from our annual checkup, or our microwave oven, or our mobile phone, or our televisions and computer screens, or the power terminal that we used to play around when we were kids, or all of the other many environmental and life hazards like pollution, in all its forms, and stress, in all its forms, will impact our health.

I don’t know…but I wish I did. I wish I knew how all of the radiation and pollution and stress impacted my health over the years. Does any of it have to do with how or why I became inflicted with leukemia? I want to know.

My not knowing is not from not asking, that’s for sure. When I first was diagnosed with leukemia, I asked just about every oncologist who came within grabbing distance of my long reach what exactly caused my disease. Their pedantic responses, often laced with undertones of condescension and self-serving gravitas, sounded more like a jargon-laden abstract of an article published in an exclusive, onocologists’s-eyes-only medical journal than a clear and thoughtful response based soundly upon their careful study of all of my specific lab results compared against my very singular and personal condition and lifestyle. I soon tired of their tedious and inconclusive answers and stopped asking them.

Perhaps I am being too hard on my oncologists. I have come to learn this past year that one would be hard-pressed to get a definite answer to just about any question asked to them regarding cause or diagnosis to any infliction, whether its concerning my leukemia in general or any of the multitude of subsequent ailments I have experienced as a result of my treatment. It seems that every response is heavily guarded by caveats and suppositions. Maybe they have become so conditioned by fear of litigation.

So I began my own quest for conclusiveness. I cruised up and down the internet so many times in search for answers that I felt like a cross between Sam Spade and Clu. I searched through all of the search engines. I searched through WebMD. I searched through NIH. I searched through CDC. I searched through WHO. I even went retro and searched through my hard copy series of Encyclopedia Britannica and, in the end, the only real answer I came up with to how or why I became inflicted with leukemia is…it depends…which is essentially the short version of the long-winded blather my oncologists gave me.

It depends. Such a disheartening answer to such a profound question.

But there it is so I guess I have to let my oncologists, and the entire medical community for that matter, off the hook for not being able to provide me with a definite answer.

Based upon what I now know, the cause of leukemia may depend on so many different variables—one of which is NOT hereditary, surprisingly—that it really is impossible to pinpoint the exact cause of why someone becomes inflicted with it. But, there are environmental and lifestyles conditions that may increase one’s chances. With this knowledge, I have narrowed the cause for my infliction down to the following few possibilities:

  • Pollution. I have no idea how much pollution I have consumed in my life; but I do know of times when, because of the work I did in the navy early on in my career, I had to breath in large amounts of ash and dust for up to eight hours a time on many occasions. I would cough up and blow out black gook for days after each occasion.
  • Asbestos. I have no idea if or how much asbestos I have consumed in my life; maybe none at all; or, maybe enough of the tiny particle stuff drifted down from the insulated pipes in the old school and office buildings I used to labor in to impact my health. There was a time in the navy, however, when I may have been exposed to trace amounts of it when I was involved with a team conducting a thorough inventory of my ship’s supplies. The team, including me, was immediately sent to medical for an occupational health asbestos screening.
  • Radiation. There are many ways to be radiated and there are many types of radiation. Types of radiation can be broadly categorized as being either ionizing radiation (xray, gamma) which are known to cause cancer, and non-ionizing radiation (microwave, radio wave), which is disputed within the medical and scientific communities as to whether this type causes cancer or not. I have no idea how radiated I have become in my life; but, as a telecommunications specialist in the navy, I was constantly working around transmitters (I know, non-ionizing) and many other sorts of electronic equipment for most of my career.
  • Lyme Disease. I’ll be honest, I have found nothing that links Lyme disease with leukemia; but, I contracted it in 2005 and, before the leukemia, it was the most horrible thing medically that ever happened to me so I really, really would like to be able to blame it for my leukemia.

Unfortunately, neither I nor anyone else can say with any degree of certainty if one or all or none of these conditions caused my infliction. But here is to hoping and praying that someday a test will be developed that will. For once there is a way to determine the cause of leukemia, it seems to me that, in addition to providing a balm of understanding and a level of closure to the inflicted, it may also help facilitate the discovery of a means for preventing and eventually eliminating the disease all together. Until then we will just have to hope, pray, wonder, and wait.

But there is one thing I am certain of—if I am ever standing behind you in a security line at the airport and you start making a scene about not wanting to go through the body scanner for whatever reason and it has a negative impact on my travel experience, you will know that the sharp smack you receive to the back of your head and its resultant pain was definitely caused by me.

A Late Take On THE CORRECTIONS

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BOOK | FICTION | LITERATURE
THE CORRECTIONS
by Jonathan Franzen
RATING: ★ ★ ★ ★

Jonathan Franzen
Jonathan Franzen

In 2001, after reading all the hype and controversy, as well as the fawning reviews of Jonathan Franzen’s THE CORRECTIONS, I thought to myself that I need to read this new It Author and made plans to rush out and buy the book. But for some reason I never did and I soon forgot about both the book and the author. I must confess, I’ve always had a hard time keeping up with literature’s contemporary writers. Heck, I have a hard enough time just trying to chip away at all of the classic literary must reads that are out there and, because I never really feel like I’m reading enough, I live with a constant feeling that I’m always a bit behind in life. Perhaps I need some couch time with Dr. Phil.

I do remember thinking to myself somewhere around mid-decade that there was once some writer that I really wanted to read, but I just couldn’t remember his name no matter how hard I tried. However, after reading the gushing reviews of Franzen’s long-awaited book FREEDOM, I finally remembered that it was his book THE CORRECTIONS that I had wanted to read so long ago. So, with that euphoric feeling of finally remembering something that had been on the tip of my tongue for a decade, I immediately rushed out to get a copy of THE CORRECTIONS before I forgot about it once again.

I got it, I read it, and yes, I agree Jonathan Franzen is an amazing writer. He deserves all of the hype he has received. And, perhaps because he has been placed in a category of elite writers few have or will every reach, maybe he even deserves the hostility and parodying that he has also received…or maybe I’m just jealous. Man, woman, or beast, whoever can write like Franzen can deserves to be the It Author of the decade in my opinion.

There are many better reviews about THE CORRECTIONS out there than I could ever write so all I’ll say is that the book is a sad, funny, and often psychologically wrenching story about a dysfunctional Midwestern family where, like the inevitable and often unexpected, and sometimes shattering, corrections that stock markets suffer from when they become unnaturally distorted or bloated, each member of this scattered and failing family is in need of his or her own life correction.

Coupled with his fluid writing style, perfect dialogue, and his ability to weave into the story his broad knowledge of the general mechanics of life in general, Franzen continually blew me away with his deep understanding of all the many different flavors of human nature and personality types. You will have to read the book to understand what I’m talking about here. He’s good.

The biggest fault of the book is perhaps a result of just how good Franzen is. He had so much to say that at times the story overwhelmed me with too much background and too much delving into the whys and hows the characters had turned out like they did. From time to time, I had to take a break from the book and walk it off.

Okay, so I’m ten years late to the party but I finally read THE CORRECTIONS and I’m glad I did. If you haven’t read it yet, I recommend that you do. And once the massive hold queue for FREEDOM thins out at the library and my turn finally comes up, I plan on reading it, too. I just hope it doesn’t take me another ten years and having to overcome a bout of forgetfulness before I finally do.

~~~~

Rating System:
★ = Unreadable
★ ★ = Poor Read
★ ★ ★ = Average Read
★ ★ ★ ★ = Outstanding Read
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ = Exceptional Read

A Bone Marrow Biopsy

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If you’re like me, you’ve probably never witnessed a bone marrow biopsy procedure before. That’s right, even though I’ve had more procedures done to me than I care to remember, I have never actually seen the procedure being performed on me. This is because, 1. I always have to lie on my stomach, and 2. I’ve always been too scared to try and look.

But during today’s procedure, I mustered up the courage and asked my herculean wife to take pictures of it so I could finally see what it was all about. I call my wife herculean because she’s been exceptionally strong and courageous for me throughout my entire cancer experience; and after I saw the pictures, it amazes me even more how strong and courageous she really is. I know for certain that if the roles were reversed and I had to be there to support her during one of these procedures, especially during the first time, I would pass out. For real.

I also asked my wife to take the pictures so I could share them with others who may be interested in learning and seeing what a bone marrow biopsy is all about. But please be warned, these pictures may be disturbing for some people. If you’re still interested, please click the more link.

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DADT Confusion

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[picappgallerysingle id=”8281946″]I’m really confused by all of the activity surrounding the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell debate recently. A week ago, the Senate blocked a bill that would repeal the law. On Thursday, a federal judge ruled that it was unconstitutional for the military to have discharged an Air Force officer because she was a lesbian. Immediately following the judge’s ruling, the the Justice Department filed an objection to the ruling. And still, during all this, the military continues to survey its servicemembers about how they would feel about serving in a military that allowed open homosexuality.

So what’s the deal? Does the federal ruling mean that homosexuals can now openly serve in the military? If so, how does this impact the 14,000 servicemembers who have already been kicked out because of their sexuality? Does congress still need to repeal the old DADT law or has this ruling effectively done that? Why is President Obama allowing his administration to object to the judge’s ruling and defend a law that he thinks is wrong to begin with? And what about the survey?

So many crazy questions surrounding this important civil rights debate.

Electricity

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IMG_4814
Creative Commons License photo credit: BY-YOUR-⌘

I love electricity. And I love it even more when I can’t have it. Today a brutal thunderstorm came through my area and took down many trees and power lines in its path. Consequently, my home lost its power. There is nothing like a little loss of electricity to remind us of how dependent upon it we are. Sometimes, we are also reminded how thankful we should be for how tough the founding parents of our country were to be able to build the foundation of our great nation without even one little spark of the electric magic to help power their way. And a power outage may also remind us how miserable life would be if those crazy terrorists or any of the rogue nations we used to blather on about ever lit off an EMP – an Electromagnetic Pulse – bomb anywhere over our country and blew out our power grid. But anyway…

You can tell that good ol’ Ben Franklin, even though he supposedly discovered the stuff, didn’t have any electricity to power the lights of his home. Why wouldn’t someone want to go to bed early and rise early when there aren’t any freakin’ lights one in the house? Today, after the power went out, the sun set shortly thereafter; and, shortly thereafter that, I was out like a light, so to speak. I wouldn’t have been able to stay awake no matter what. There was nothing to do except watch the candle flicker, which, by the way, was rather entertaining for about twenty minutes. But it made me sleepy so by 8:00 pm, I was asleep.

But as soon as that power came back on around midnight and the house got its electric juice restored and began purring like a kitten getting its belly rubbed, I woke right up and couldn’t get back to sleep. I got out of bed, turned on all the lights, turned on the TV, turned on the AC even though it wasn’t hot, looked inside the fridge without knowing what I wanted to eat and pondered over my choices a little longer than I should have just because I now had the power to do so, and then went to my chair and fired up my laptop feeling like a 21st Century Man is supposed to feel—enlightened.

However, as I was typing away at this post, the electricity went out once again. And once again, my house became unnaturally silent. I’m typing only by the light of the laptop, which, according to the little battery icon in the tray, will only be available for nine more minutes so I better get this finished and published before it’s too late. Besides, without any electricity to charge me up, I’m once again beginning to feel sleepy. Hopefully, this time the electricity won’t come back on until around ten in the morning so I can get sleep uninterrupted and fully recharge my battery.

National Nervous Breakdown

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Maybe it’s just because I’m off work recovering from cancer and have more time to pay attention to current events, but it seems to me that insane violent crimes are happening almost daily. Just this week, a doctor at Johns Hopkins hospital was shot by the son of a patient. The son ended up also shooting the patient, his mother, and then himself. The week before that, there was the Discovery building hostage situation, and several weeks before that there was the mother who drowned her children. I could go on and on with all the insanity that has been happening in the past year or two but this post has already depressed me enough so I won’t.

Instinctively, I want to say that it is the bad economy and the stress that it has been inflicting on our nation as a whole that is responsible for all these insane violent crimes; however, after a quick search of the topic, I’ve found that, according to the FBI, violent crime has actually been decreasing, even during the economic crisis.

I’m no expert, but after thinking about it for a bit, it seems to me that violent crimes—murders, rapes, assaults—which are tragic enough, are not the same as these insane violent crimes—shooting a doctor and then your mother in a hospital, taking hostages because you hate people for killing the earth, drowning your children and then making it look like an accident, or dressing up as Santa Claus and going on a killing rampage—so maybe the FBI statistics don’t really apply here. Maybe, but I really don’t know.

What I do know is that as long as we have a significant portion of our population raised and socialized in violent, abusive, poverty-ridden environments, then we’re going to continue to have a portion of our population suffering from the violent crimes that are committed as a result of this environment and socialization. And as long as these violent crimes are isolated to just a portion of our population, then the majority of the population will, unfortunately, be able to easily turn a blind eye to most of it.

But when the entire population is suffering under economic stress, debt, ineffectual national leaders, divisive, vindictive politics, perpetual war, nuclear brinkmanship, excessive military buildup, constant threat of terrorism, and an increasing feeling of no hope of change for the better, like it is now, then we all are going to suffer from it, no one is going to be able to turn a blind eye toward it, and, if things don’t change soon, the entire population will eventually have a national nervous breakdown from it.

Perhaps all of these insane violent crimes that have been happening recently are the first cracks in our national psyche.

Hair

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Warning: This is potentially a TMI post. Read at your own risk!

Kurt with hair
Kurt with hair
Before my cancer and all the chemo, I saw myself similar to how Ricky Bobby saw himself in the movie Talladega Nights: I’m just a big hairy American winning machine, you know. That was me. I was confident, happy, had a wonderful family, a great job, felt strong and in okay shape, and I had a thick mane of hair on my head and a decent coat of fur all over my body. I was no back shaver, mind you (not that there is anything wrong with those of my friends who feel the need to shave the back…you gotta do what you gotta do) but I definitely had some hair to be proud of. But all of that, especially the confidence, the being in shape, and the hair, changed after the chemo.

Now I know some of you are wondering—I know I was before I started getting the chemo, so I asked my nurse—does one lose ALL their hair from the chemo treatments? The answer I got was that it depends. It depends on the person, the type of chemo, and the amount of chemo received. I would just have to wait and see.

It turned out that during the first phase, things moved slowly hair loss-wise. It took several weeks before any hair on my head started falling out and a couple more weeks before my beard began thinning out. I never noticed the loss of any body hair. I will say, it was very unsettling when the hair on my head began falling out in earnest and I would wake up in the morning to see big piles of it all over my pillow and bed. Once that started happening, I went directly to the barber and had my head shaved.

Shaved head
Shaved head
It’s not as easy as you think to get your head shaved. When I went, my regular barber was crowded so, not wanting to have to sit around and explain to the regulars about my cancer, I went to another barber that I had only been to once before. It was empty so I went in. The barber was a female and after I sat down and explained that I wanted my head shaved, she almost seemed offended, but in a cheesy, middle-aged flirty kind of way. She gave me the third degree and wanted to know why I wanted my head shaved. Still in no mood to discuss my cancer, I just said something rather curt about me being sick of having such thick hair to mess with. She reluctantly began shaving it off, but as she did, she went on the whole time about how a guy should never shave off such a nice head of hair. (I have another story about my hair and my youngest son’s ill-fated attempt at trying to shave if off…but that’s for another time.)

I had a couple of weeks off between phase one and phase two treatments. During the time off, the hair on my head and face started growing back in rather quickly. But again, after a few weeks of the phase two chemo treatments, both head and facial hair began thinning out. Again, I did not notice the loss of any body hair. This time, because the hair on my head was so short, I was able to shave it off myself.

Before the transplant
Before the transplant
During the first two phases, while I did lose a lot of hair, I never lost all of it on either my head or face. But all that changed after I received the large doses of chemo in preparation for my bone marrow transplant. About two weeks after the treatment, hair everywhere began falling out. And by everywhere, I mean everywhere. After about a month, the only hair I had left on my body was my eyebrows and my eyelashes. My body was smooth as a newborn baby. I won’t go too much into details, but I will say, things feel a lot different without hair in the places where you’ve been used to having it. I was left feeling very incomplete and somewhat insecure. I didn’t like it at all.

But now, finally, it’s all coming back and I’m beginning to feel much more like my old self. And by old, I mean much older. As you can see, even though I looked older than my age before, this whole cancer ordeal has aged me even more. And even though I’ll still be completely gray on top, I’ll be glad to have it back and I promise not to complain when it once again gets too long and too thick and too hot on my head. And I won’t, in frustration, ask my son to shave it off (again, we’ll leave that story for another day).

Coming back!
Coming back!

DADT Survey

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Creative Commons License photo credit: Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff

Back in May of this year, the Department of Defense put up an online inbox where servicemembers and their family can anonymously post what they feel the impact of repealing the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy would have on the military. The survey closed on August 30. I wonder how it went.

Seeing that the Secretary of Defense and the Joint Chiefs of staff have publicly endorsed President Obama’s plan to repeal the DADT policy, I also wonder how it will play out for them come December 1 if the results of the survey strongly suggest that most servicemembers and their families feel that repealing the policy will have a negative impact on the military.

With the Department of Defense DADT survey and policy review going on, in addition to all of the battles going on in court over, not just homosexuals in the military, but how homosexuals will be legally treated by our society in general, 2010 is proving to be an important year for such an important civil rights debate.

Chemo

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Chemotherapy Nurse
Kurt's nurse suited up and prepared to administer his chemotherapy

It seems to me that the word “chemotherapy” is one of those rare words that can instantly conjure up fear and images of pain and suffering, similar to words like “Holocaust” and “September Eleventh.” Perhaps those comparisons are not exactly appropriate (and bordering on bad taste), but my point is, just hearing the word chemotherapy tends to scares us.

And for good reason, too. Chances are, we know someone close to us, maybe a loved one or a friend, who got cancer and who had to receive rounds of chemotherapy. And from them, we heard firsthand how tough it was on the body. We heard about the nausea and vomiting, we heard about how it attacks the intestinal tracks and causes mucositis, we heard about their inability to eat and the loss of weight, we heard about the lightheadedness and dizzy spells, and we heard about the hair loss.

But chances also are, even though we know the word and are familiar with all of the effects associated with it, we really don’t know what it is. Now, I’m not about to try to cover the many different forms of chemotherapy treatments that are available, you can do a quick search and find out all about them if you’re really interested, but I do think it’s interesting that one word can have such an impact on our collective psyche without us really knowing much about it.

One thing I can tell you about chemotherapy, the stuff is toxic. Take a look at the picture of my nurse at the top of this post. She has to take special precautions to ensure that she doesn’t come in contact with the chemotherapy. She has to wear a mask, a disposable suit that wraps around and completely covers her clothing, and special gloves that go over the standard gloves she wears. What you don’t see in the picture is that the nurses also have a special hat that has a clear guard to protect their neck and face. It looks similar to what a spot welder would wear. And then, after she is completely protected, she pumps that toxic junk right into me.

From my experience, it seems that whenever chemotherapy is discussed, we tend to focus on all the negativity associated with it–just like I’ve been doing in this post–and barely focus at all on its most important quality: CHEMOTHERAPY SAVES LIVES! It saved my life. And, like a miracle, it’s saving countless of other lives every single day. We all should give thanks to God for it.